New Years Resolution

I know that New Years resolutions are made and broken within a few months, some a few weeks and for people like me a few days. But I am going to make the same vow to you right now, and I am going to say the same thing I say every time, I can do this.

Seriously. I can do this.

I know that this year will be different though because instead of just saying I am going to do it, I am actually putting it in writing. This is something I have never done before. So for all my fellow bloggers, I am making a few resolutions for you right now. Afterwards, I would love to read some of yours, so please feel free to share them with me.

So here it goes….my 2013 resolutions….

1. I am going to finally let go of my past. I really need to move on with my life. Although this person will always mean a lot to me, I can’t be there for them the way they sometimes need me. I have finally started to move forward and I can’t let them hold me back from chance at happiness.

2. I am going to be a better daughter. My mom and I have lots of unresolved issues that we need to hash out, but I need to be patient with our huge differences and try to see things from her eyes.

3. I am going to work out more. I know that I say this one every year.

4. I am going to eat better. I am going to try to cut out my bad habits and pop consumption. I really need to do this. That shit is so bad for you, but my god I cannot stop.

5. I am going to study harder and more efficiently. I cannot rely on recognition and luck. I know I am pretty damn smart, but I need to focus and learn how to study better.

6. I am going to learn to discipline my daughter. I know that she tends to take advantage of me and I know that I always let her because I want to give her the life I never had. But I need to be her mom not her friend. I need to set more ground rules and follow through. I know this will be good for her in the end and good for us in the long run.

7. I need to let go of the little things. I get so mad over the stupidest shit and I can’t have that.

8. I want to learn how to cook. Yes, cook. I am a terrible cook and this year I want to be able to cook a full 3 course meal all on my own.

9. I want to volunteer more. I use to do it all the time when I was younger. As I got older, I slowed down a lot. But now I have more free time and I want to give back. There are so many people out there that don’t have anything. I want to give back. Everyone should at least once in their life.

10. Finally, I want to be a better me. I want to be able to look at myself in the mirror and feel confident that I am living life to the fullest. No regrets and don’t look back.

Those are my resolutions. I hope that people makes some. Everyone should have some goals to work towards. It makes life worth living and something to strive for and work at. Life is difficult already. It may have its ups and it may have its down, but appreciate everything it has given you. For some people it’s stripped away so fast. People can be gone before you know it. Give people something to remember.

Always.

Letting go….

I often feel broken at the thought of you. The pain you caused me, the lies you tell, the scars you created.They never go away.

Its so easy for you to just stab me multiple times, and I know each time, I allow it to go deeper. I know that I should not let someone like you treat me this way, but I am so blinded by the person you used to be.

Then I look at you and I see that you are hurt too. Stripped of your pride and dignity, but that does not mean you take that shit out on me.

I loved you so much once, I would have done anything for you. Now you treat me like I am nothing when I am the only one there for you.

I wish I could take your pain away, I wish I could help you, but I have my limits and you have broken me too.

So its time to let go, and let us be free because in the end we are not meant to be.

Winter Wonderland

Even on a cold day, beauty exists.

Addiction

Do you even know yourself anymore when you look in the mirror? What do you see?

Monster.

The anger, the abuse, the battle you have with yourself. But you lose every time, And yet you have this same epic war every chance you get.

Surrender?

Not a chance. No one ever wins when you have a battle with yourself. Who ultimately hurts here?

Everyone.

They fight for you to stop. But you don’t listen. You say that you can do this and you will do this alone. You say you have a handle on this and you can stop whenever you want.

No!

You yell and you scream. You throw punches and hurt those around you. It may not be physical all the time but its emotional and mental every time. It is damaging and killing, but you don’t care. All you see is you. This is always all about you.

Fear.

That’s what we see when we look into your eyes. It sad and it’s depressing. You are killing yourself slowly, but you don’t realize it.

Please, I am begging you, What must I do to show you the pain you have caused me. The hurt that you inflict on me and the scars that you cut so deeply into me. But do you see?

No, because you are blinded by this. You are on your knees lost to your own will. Lost in the darkness. Screaming for someone, but nothing comes out. It’s a nightmare.

I love you and I am doing my best to save you.

You are lost to me, but I will never give up.

You are an addict.

It’s beyond an addiction.

Asshole.

I remember the day you left, like it happened yesterday.

You ripped my heart out, like it was nothing to you.

How could you treat me that way when all I did was give you the world?

Asshole.

That is about the best word to describe you.

But now when I look back, I smile because it was my new beginning. I live my life to the fullest and I laugh more than I thought I would. I brought myself back to the girl I used to be. The one who is optimistic, who dreams out loud, who does crazy things spontaneously because it is fun. I will be a better me.

But you are still an asshole.

I protected my heart, and when I finally thought someone else could help me protect it, you broke it. Like it was a piece of glass. It hurt, but not anymore.

Asshole.

I still wear my emotions on my sleeve because it’s who I am. I may be crazy in every way possible, but it makes me human.

But you are human too. We all make mistakes.

But you are still an asshole.

I know one day you will look back and wish you would have never broken my heart because deep down you know that I would have done everything to protect your heart. The same way I protected mine. You will miss the girl you fell in love with, and when you see me, I will be that girl again.  And some day you will beg, plead and  tell me that it was the biggest mistake of your life and that you want me back, but I have two words for you….

No, Asshole.